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Date of Birth: August 29, 1947
Department: eSpeed IT
Position: Project Manager
Sneh Jain (wife): There are no words to express my admiration for my husband’s great talents. He obtained his master’s degree and doctorate in chemical engineering from the University of Nebraska at Lincoln through a merit based fellowship that brought him here from India at the age of 18. He later obtained another PhD in computer science as well. I always used to tell him his first wife was his studies, not me. But still, despite his devotion to learning, he never tired of being a good father and provider and always treated me like a queen and his daughters like princesses. He lived for his family and his work and never for himself. He never complained about late hours or his many duties at home. Often, when I was angry with him for coming home late or having neglected some minor chore, he would simply smile and wait for the storm to pass with a smile on his upper lip. He is greatly loved by his co-workers, community and friends and he has touched all he has met with his gentle and quiet calm. Always there to lend a helping hand at any time of day or night, Yudh is a generous, unselfish and wonderful man who I will cherish forever in my heart.
Cheena Jain (daughter): My dad was an amazing person; he was my best friend. We shared so many memories together. He was kind, gentle and loving. All he ever wanted in life was to see his family happy. I love you and miss you, daddy. I know that whatever I do and wherever I am, you will be shining down on me. You were a great father, husband and friend. I was lucky to have had you in my life.
Mona Jain (daughter): My father’s greatest dream was his family and he, my mother, my sister and I like precious jewels. He was the perfect provider and lived for nothing else but to see us smile. I owe him everything I am and everything I will be and I want nothing more than to become the dreams he had for me. I love him dearly and he will be my guardian angel forever.
Dear Cheena and the rest of the family,
I just wanted to let you know that I was deeply saddened by the events and especially of your Dad. I knew your dad from the beginning of Simcon.We had offices next to one another for a while and we always got along good. Of the things I always remembered about your Dad ,one was, that he always wanted to do it the right way, correct, accurate.
I always told him ” Judh, you are too smart for this place”, he would always laugh, put on that grin and say, modestly “I am not that smart, this is just the right way to do it.”
He was bright, and he had a good way of looking at life. He was a good man and we will all miss him.
Reading tributes to Yudh in past tense is difficult because he is still so very much with us. With your tolerance, I will think of him in present tense.
Soon after 9/11, I had this vivid dream – they had found bin Laden and I rushed to tell Yudh that they should cut him into 4,000 pieces, one for each victim. Yudh smiled as if gently scolding me. I woke up, instantly realizing how wrong I had been. Yudh is most kind, the gentlest of gentles. He would never kill anything or anyone, so why would he agree to such cruel thought?
Because he is forgiving, he never has unkind words. Despite his brilliance, he is never brash. He lives simple life, works hard, yet touches us all with his gentleness. Too bad bin Laden never knows Yudh, otherwise he would have learned humanity and compassion.
Last time I saw Yudh, it was two days before the WTC attack. As I said goodbye, he said that we would get together again. How I wish I could give him a big hug for that final farewell. My friend, keep your promise and meet me in my dreams.
David Kwoh, Yudh’s friend
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
Love leaves a memory no one can steal.
In the early morning light,
You see sadness of this day,
And hold memories of my angel….
How when my angel flew away.
No one can comprehend
the sadness this day brings….
No laughter can be heard;
Not even one bird sings.
For the angel of our life,
received wings made of gold;
Brought happiness to Heaven,
Left an emptiness here untold.
So in the early morning light,
I just try to find a way…
to see clearly why my angel….
Took golden wings & flew away!
Yes, in the early morning light,
I can still feel my angel’s touch.
And will always remember that
my angel loves me so much!
To the Family of Yudh Jain
I worked with Yudh for 11 years at Simcon. He was a fine gentleman and a kind and loving person. He was also an excellent and an intellegent project manager. He was stolen from all of us on September 11th. I am deeply troubled by his loss and who ever knew him saddened by that.
I hope that you find the strength to live on as he would have wanted you to. God Bless.
Mel Thor from Simcon
Yudh and I worked for International Paper for many years and we, along with David Kwoh carpooled together for much of that time. We had many interesting discussions about a variety of subjects during those rides together. Yudh was always polite and kept his cool no matter the controversy of the subject. His comments were well thought out and logically expressed. He had a way of injecting humor into the discussions so there was seldom any concern that we would get into any unfriendly arguments. Yudh was a gentleman, intelligent, firm in his convictions yet considerate of other people’s opinions.
The three of us eventually went our separate ways. I retired, Yudh and Dave went to work at different companies but we continued to live in Rockland County; occasionaly meeting and talking with each other. Yudh was always the same, a pleasure to be with. He is gone from this earth but he lives on in our memories forever.
I’ve seen your true colors,
Your true colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow.
We were privileged to have Yudh’s friendship for over 30 years. He was the most gentle soul we have ever met in our lives. He set an example within our circle of friends for his compassion and ethics. His two beautiful daughters, Mona and Cheena, have inherited those traits from their father, and we have no doubt, they will enrich every life they touch. We are so very proud of them. Yudh, you did good! His wife, Sneh is now setting an example for all of us by following up on Yudh’s ethics and compassion. God speed Sneh! Yudh, we know that you are with us and will be with us for the rest of our lives. We need your divine guidance.
SMILES LOST FOREVER
Fragrance of love,
In love filled moments
Falling trail of tears,
In our shattered home
Still echo in our hearts
Have we lost you
Oh! Dear husband
A gem of a man
What we have lost is
Laughter, dreams and
I worked with Yudh at ABB in Bloomfield NJ since he joined the company. I am working in Houston now.
Over the years, I had the chance to work closely with him and learn to appreciate his vast knowledge and exceptional talent. I was also fortunate to be able to get to know him personally and to appreciate his good nature and kindness. We were good friends.
He was very proud for both of his daughters. We were all very shaken to learn about his fate at the WTC attack.
We pray for you that you will have the strength to overcome this tragedy and fulfill the dreams that you have wrought when he was around.
We will always remember Yudh and his friendship. Yudh wherever you are, shine on us.
Moshe Kutten-ABB Simcon
I worked with Yudh back in 1994. He was a manager of my last project with the company, soon after I left.
I was saddened and devastating by this news.
I will always remember him as a kind and caring person, soft voiced, respecting and helping people, who ever were working with him.
Not many like him these days.
I just wanted to let you know that I am deeply saddened by the 9/11 events and especially about your Dad. I remember the first day he had the interview at eSpeed with one of the managers. After the intevew I walked him to the elevator and I told him good luck and that I hoped to see him again and his reply was, “I hope so”. A few weeks after he started working at eSpeed I was glad that he got the job. I told him if he needed any help or had any questions to ask me. Now I feel so sad that he is not with us anymore. I only knew Jain for about three months. He was a kind person and a gentleman – very soft spoken. I will always remember that. Rest in peace Jain and my prayers are with your two daughters and your wife. May peace be with you all.
YUDH V. JAIN: FINISHING WHAT HE STARTED
Yudh V. Jain was his wife’s dream. He encouraged her to buy clothes. He did the grocery shopping and showered her with flowers and greeting cards on not-so-special days. And every night, he remembered to make her a cup of tea.
Despite her husband’s devotion, Sneh Jain often joked that Mr. Jain’s first wife was his studies. Long after he finished his formal schooling, Mr. Jain, 54, who had doctorates in computer science and chemical engineering, continued to study and upgrade his skills. His discipline rubbed off on his two daughters and Mrs. Jain, who sometimes struggled with her accounting job. “He used to make me calm down,” Mrs. Jain said. “He said nothing is difficult if you put your mind to it.”
Mr. Jain was also an ethicist. He had only been at his job as a senior project manager at eSpeed Inc. for a little over a month when he decided the position was not a good fit for him. But rather than leave immediately, he decided to stay on and finish a project he had begun.
A few weeks after Sept. 11, Mrs. Jain received medicine for her migraine headaches in the mail. She was surprised because her husband usually bought it for her. “I said, `Oh my God, maybe he’s hiding somewhere, and maybe he’s teasing me,’ ” she said. But it was just Mr. Jain being Mr. Jain; he had ordered her medicine on Sept. 10.
Profile published in THE NEW YORK TIMES on December 8, 2001.
It is difficult to express in words the pain and sorrow we feel when we think of the tragic events of September 11th that took dear Yudh away from all of us.We can’t even begin to imagine the anguish your family is experiencing from this unfortunate loss.We all knew Yudh when he worked for ABB and he touched us all with his grace and sincerity.To some of us he was a hard working co-workers, to some he was a mentor,but to all of us he was a friend, a dear friend ,kind and gentle human being who was always willing to help others.
Don’t think of him gone away…
His journey’s just begun..
life holds so many facets–
This earth is only one.
Just think of him as resting
from the sorrows and tears
In a place of warmth and comfort
where there are no days and years.
Think of him he must be wishing
that we could know today how nothing
but our sadness can really pass away
His journey’s just begun….
And think of him as living in the hearts
Of those he touched…
for nothing loved is ever last–
And he was loved so much….
His journey’s just begun….
To the Family of Yudh,
I worked with Yudh for 6 years at Simcon and I always admired his knowledge and personal integrity.
He will always be remembered fondly by those who knew him.
You were a model of dignity and integrity. Thank you for all you did for Simcon and for me.
May God hold you in his hand and may you live on in our hearts.
I miss you.
I did not know Yudh, but read about the terrible loss in our Alumni magazine. I just wanted to pay my respects to his family, and express my deepest sympathies. From what I have read about his legacy, I know the University of Nebraska was lucky to have him, and it appears many others were as well. He sounded like a real genuine person, who had his priorities straight.
May his spirit and legacy live on through your memories.
University of Nebraska-Lincoln, Class of 2000
I was fortunate to have Yudh as my friend and mentor from the day I came to Lincoln, Nebraska for my graduate studies. Being in the same department and living close to Yudh’s apartment, we shared several hours.
When Yudh moved to the New Jersey area, we were amongst the first to visit him from Lincoln, Nebraska. Yudh was always there to help me, as if I was his own brother, be it for a sight seeing trip or a job-hunting trip. Later on my family and I visited Yudh’s family. Today I fondly remember all those occasions.
For all of us who knew Yudh, to say “Yudh was a caring person” would be an understatement. It is impossible for me put our sentiments into words.
I am forever indebted to Yudh for his everlasting affection and unassuming, but nurturing, nature. His memories will be with me forever.
We are very sorry for your loss of Yudh. Our hearts cry with you.
We see your sorrow-
and our hearts cry….
We can not erase your pain
but you do not have to face the anguish alone-for we-
-the American people-
are beside you.
We so desperately want to have the touch that brings you comfort,
the strength that gives you courage,
and the words to lighten your spirits.
And when we are left speechless
may the silence of our nation weave love into your hearts
to ease your sorrow.
May you find healing through our nation’s strength as we-
-the American people-
face this difficult time together. Our hearts are with you.
December 28, 2001
I consider it an honor to have met someone the caliber of Yudh. I enjoyed working with him and will miss him as do others from our group at ABB. Yudh was a true gentleman and an oustanding professional
Although I worked for International Paper in Mobile, Alabama, and Yudh worked for them in Sterling Forest, New York, we were colleagues in IP’s process control community. On occasion, we traveled together or met at one location or the other. I remember Yudh with great respect and affection. He shall not be forgotten.
May God Bless you and watch over the family and friends that you left behind on 9/11/01. Rest in his loving peace forever more.
DEAR GOD SHINE YOUR LIGHT ON THIS BEAUTIFUL MAN YUDH V.S.JAIN AND MAY HIS SOUL REST IN PEACE WITH GOD AND HIS ANGELS..GOD BLESS HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND MAY THEY STAY CLOSE AND NEVER FORGET 9/11/01..GOD BLESS AMERICA AND NEW YORK..AMEN
My heartfelt condolences go out to the Jain family in this most difficult time for them and for our nation. I never had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Jain, but if his daughter is anything like him, then I already know what a wonderful person he had been in life.
I would also like to wish good luck to the Jain family in their future endeavors and hope that the future Dr. Jain remains strong throughout the rest of her studies
Rest in peace and may God bless you and the ones that you left behind on 9/11/01.
Kailash Jain (Roselle Park, NJ )
September 11, 2002
Dear Yudh-A man of honour.
I rode on your behalf in the 9/11 W Steven Martin patriot parade in Phoenix.
Jim Perry (Phoenix, AZ )
September 13, 2002
I worked with Yudh from 1998-2000. Yudh was a good man and the APC/Optimization engineers in Bloomfield. Romans 8:28 says: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I prayed for you (Sneh) tonight on this 1 year anniversary of Yudh’s death. The sinful people who committed this terrible crime meant it for evil, but God allowed it so that good could ultimately come from it. I hope in time you find the good.
William Beach (Houston, TX )
September 11, 2002
I would like to express my condolences to the Jain family. Today, I proudly wore a wristband with Yudh V. Jain inscribed on it. Shine Yudh wherever you are. God bless his family and friends. May Yudh be forever remembered for his kindness, love for his family, and his great heroism that he has displayed.
Marina Peri (Chicago, IL )
September 11, 2002
I received a wristband at school with Yudh’s name on it. I wore that with pride. I really respect his courage and strength on September 11, 2001. I am holding his family in my prayers.
Katie Lattanzi (14) (Houston, TX )
September 11, 2002
On September 13,2002 afternoon my wife Susan
and I flew a flag “Yudh jain” from our Boat”Carpathia” as a part of sail America event in New York Harbor.I went about the familiar tasks of lashing togather a string of flag so it would fly properly.
But rather tangible tribute to Yudh who we lost on sept 11, 2001. suddenly , I found myself stopped by the realization that I was not holding simple piece of cloth and bits of string .
I had requested his flag to send to directly to Jain family. Several years ago, I had the privilege of working with Yudh at International paper’s Research lab in Tuxedo, NY. He patiently taught me about his work and computers and taught me about all the system. Subsequently,we traveled to India in order to better understand the homeland of Yudh, and many other colleagues.
I felt especially honored to have been given that flag to fly on our boat.
Hey there Dad,
Can you believe it? I’m in my third year of college and I am loving every minute of it. This past Thursday, almost a week ago, I should have been sad. I was “supposed’ to be sad. I was a little sad at times and in the morning, I wore gray as a sign of morning. When I was ready to leave for work, I decided to change into a bright, nice soft shirt. I decided that I should not mourn you anymore. I should celebrate you. As much as I miss you my dear old dad, a life lived in sorrow is no life and I know you’d never want that for me. I’m here and I’m happy. I spoke that Thursday for you, about my feelings and I took a big step forward. I’m healing. I’m not sad…I miss you, but I’m not sad. There is no greater gift to give to you than to live for you. So thanks for giving me my life. I love you and I hope you are happy wherever you may be.
I still believe you will come back one day.
I STILL FEEL YOU ARE THERE IN U.S. AND YOU WILL COME BACK ONE DAY. HOW CAN I FORGET YOUR SMILE.
I had privilege to know Yudh Jain and his family since 1973. He has been a dear friend and mentor for me and my family.
I know he is watching out for his family and friends.
Our prayers are with his family on this solemn day.
Mukesh Desai (Germantown, MD )
September 11, 2003
So I’m going to be 22 soon. I hated when you missed my birthdays, even when I was 16 I didn’t want you to go on your business trip. You’ll have missed 5 birthdays now. I miss you a lot. I’m dealing with so many things right now. I just don’t know what’s in store for me or where I want my life to go. I just miss you a lot. My birthday is coming up and it just doesn’t seem to be anything I want to celebrate you know. Just yesterday someone at work was talking about Scientology and how weird it is. And we looked up what an “E-meter” was and I don’t know I realized I really missed testing batteries with you. People normally don’t test batteries to see if they’ll still work. But you did and it was something different that; I don’t think anyone I’ll ever meet would think to do. I thought of that and I realized how long it was since I had even tested a AA battery with you. It’s such a simple, almost pointless activity and most people wouldn’t even bother storing that little voltage tester of yours. But I wanted to go home and just use it. I mean am I insane? I used to do everything with you, even test batteries and now I can’t even do that. I don’t know. I just don’t feel right and I feel unsure about everything. I wish I could tell you so many things.
Anyways, I better get back to work, but I felt somehow someway that I needed to like talk to you. And I can’t do that anymore and I wish I could fix that but I can’t. I don’t know. Anyways, I’m not really sure how to end this, but I love you and I miss you and I wish every day that you were here.
I posted this on wikipedia and I guess I just figured it belonged here to.
What can I say about my Dad. He could be remembered as a 9/11 victim. Sure. But there’s so much more to remember him by. I’m sitting here writing this four and some days after he was taken from us. I can describe him so that people will know who he is one day. I write down memories of his all the time. I never want to forget him. But to characterize. My father was a rock. For me, specifically, he was person that, when I knew he was there, everything felt safe. Life would be okay. He even told me that life would be okay if something happened to him. As time would move on that I would go on. I think he said that to me when I was eleven. It’s hard to describe. I was his baby girl and he was my everything. It’s hard to express how hard things can become when I person leaves you and also how integral one person could be to your entire existence. Everyone has a couple of people like that, whether it’s family members, best friends, mentors, etc. but for me, one of those people was my dad.
I remember after the attacks, I returned to college, still seventeen feeling like I was going on forty-five, and my 2D design professor asked me where I had been. He said something like: ‘Where have you been? You haven’t been around to make noise in my class; fighting a cold or something?” I just said that my dad had died, in front of the whole class. He asked to see me after class. I remember we talked after class and I just poured myself out. The thing that resonates about that experience is that later on I did a project involving the loss of my father. It was a really horrific image that I had laid out, including a picture of my father holding me as a baby and my sister as a toddler hanging on to him. During my critique, my professor spoke about my work and mentioned the afternoon that I had sat and spoke with him so soon after the attack. He began to cry as he spoke about his talk with me and he said that when he thought about what I had said to him that afternoon, one thing was clear. He said ‘I talked to her about her father for a while and it was so clear. Just from her words, the way she spoke about him, you could hear from her voice just how much he loved her.’ That affection that my professor spoke of was not just for me, but for everyone he held dear.
To begin to comprehend who Yudh Jain was, there needs to be a comprehension of his pure and complete heart. So complete was his heart that it made mine feel whole. His love was his base. It was as though it radiated knowledge, experience, wisdom, compassion and of course all of his love. All of the love a father could give his daughters. All of the love a husband could give his wife. Pure compassion for the world. I could ask him any question and of course get a really long detailed response. If I cried, he couldn’t stand to see it and he do anything to make me feel happy again. And he was my friend. I can’t tell you all of the things we would say or do. There were many things.
So now you understand. My father was my rock. Sometimes I wonder if I should run into the street and shout that I’m falling. But then the sun shines or there’s a warm spring rain to run around or dance around in. I just tell myself that it’s his way of taking away my tears and making me happy again. He always had a knack for that
Yudh: you should be proud. I wish you could be here with us to see that. Your younger daughter Vandna (Cheena) graduated in may 21st,2005 from R.I.T and currently working.
Your older daughter Sargam (Mona) graduated
In may 18th, 2006 from medical school and going to start her residency in June 2006. I just wanted to give you the good news.
Stay well my friend where ever you are; please keep an eye on your Family, your wife and your daughters look on you so high. You are a row model for them.
Today is 9/11, 5 years after that fateful date. Ada
and I cut two roses from our garden. We went to a
nearby park where there is a small 9/11 memorial. We
laid down the roses on the foot of the memorial. We
thought of Yudh and events of that day. I also
thought of the last time I saw Yudh – it was on the
bus on the way to the city, a day or two before 9/11.
He was sitting behind me.
Memory of that day is still fresh but it’s been 5
years. Our son Stephen was working for CBS Radio in
New York City at the time He had his day off on 9/11
but once he heard the news, he reported to work anyway
to help out in his office. Later that evening, he
even went to World Trade Center area to help out.
And 5 years later, we also lost Stephen. So now I
understand your loss and experience the grief that you
have experienced. The hurt is so deep that it can
never be gotten over. On this tragic and lonely path,
we are companions. We hope Yudh and Stephen are
companions with each other also, wherever they are.
They are both sweet angels. And in that sense, we
have been blessed. I hope I can be with them again.
I met up with someone I’m working with on a project. We started talking about experiences and just the essence of life. He’s a very poetic guy. It’s tough finding people like that sometimes. But anyways, unknowingly, he started to talk about the WTC and he shared a poem with me. I think it speaks to the past and present and I just felt that it had emotion to it. So I wanted to post it here because I thought it was really true and well, poetic.
WHILE THEY WERE DYING BEHIND THEM
we know the story
the fearful discipline of faith
in the normal rise of the morning
silencing birds in late summer song
rousing saint paul’s dead enough to look over their shoulders—
reach out in vain to help ease the sad burden of the living
– MATT SMYTHE
Okay Dad. I know I haven’t posted here in a while, but another time I promise I will.
You know I’m not sure why, but it always seems like this is the only place I really seem to be able to talk to you. Go figure…only you would have a technologically saavy way for me to be near you even though you’re gone. It’s so you that you’ve got an odd way to stay current. I seem to think that this is just my space with you. I’m not sure why.
Well Dad, it’s been tough this last few months. I’m really trying to stay positive and such. It’s hard sometimes. I was home the other day and I know you so well. Even now. We were cleaning the file cabinets and I found an entire folder of stuff from when we were getting me ready from college. Financial aid papers, visitor’s guides, etc. Something tells me that you had this stuff with you the last day I saw you when you dropped me off at school. And I know how you work, because right behind it was a folder of all your Cantor Company stuff. It was right behind my college paperwork folder and I guess you had filed them after you had dropped me off at school. I guess what really just made my heart ache was finding the handwritten draft of my high school graduation speech (the page thanking you, Mom and Sis) folded into your Cantor folder. I cried so hard that day. It made me sad for days, even now and it’s been like two weeks. Mom and Sis didn’t really understand and I think Mom was upset with me for being so sad. I just didn’t know what to do. I just need you so much right now and I just miss you so terribly.
I bought a book on Indian Spirituality today and while I was reading it and understanding more about Hinduism and Jainism, etc. I realized that based on our faith, the likelihood that I’ll really see you again, in another life, in heaven, is pretty slim. It’s not that you won’t be there, but I’m not sure we’ll really recognize each other. I mean, I suppose in the end, our souls continue on, with our bodies being vessels during our lifetimes. So I suppose I am trying my hardest to believe that a piece of your soul is in me. I’ve really started recognizing parts of you that have become parts of me.
When I was in India, I saw Babli Bua and she looked at me and said that I looked so much like you. She said that I reminded her of you and that she missed you so much. I told her I didn’t think I looked like you, which I realized later was totally inaccurate on my part.
Someone asked me the other day what a Chikku was. I gave them half a response, but I remembered that you used to call me that as a nickname and all of a sudden I really missed it. Sometimes I can remember the sound of your voice, it’s like a blurred faded memory which I don’t want to forget. I wish I could have one of our long conversations like we used to, where I talked most of the time. Haha. I guess this is just like that.
I should go now. I really miss you very much. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I’m not sure why. This must be one of the bad few weeks that make me sad. I’m hoping I’ll be back to normal soon. Love you Dad. I really wish you were here.
I worked with Yudh at Simcon and once, at his invitation, went to see his daughter dance at a traditional Indian recital. His pride in his family made him glow.
*** Posted by Sharon Bailly on 2009-09-28 ***
I did not know that any Indians had died in the 9-11 tragedy and accidentally ran into this page. Vandna (Cheena) has written a very moving piece on her dad, and why not?! Somehow, if she sends me mail, I would like to connect with her. My ID is windiam (at) vsnl (dot) com.
*** Posted by niaj shukla on 2008-08-02 ***
I am vising this site often, just to add a flower on your memorial. You haven’t been forgotten.
*** Posted by Moshe Kutten on 2009-08-29 ***
Just dropping by to wish Mr Jain’s family and friends well.
Co-worker from ABB Simcon
*** Posted by Tony Ennis on 2009-09-11
Yudh was a wonderful guy to work with and a real riot! I remember one hysterical trip we had to Korea. The client wasn’t expecting us, and, to be polite, sent in a group of young engineers who didn’t speak any English. Keeping up with the charade, we gave our presentation at super speed. I remember Yudh just couldn’t contain himself and sat down and laughed and laughed. Yudh, you were great to work with and an inspiration to all. Your memory will always live on.
A former colleague at Simcon
*** Posted by Barbara Stancato on 2009-09-15
For us from Simcon, “Yudh” will never be forgotten, … yet often remembered.
*** Posted by Fred W. Czubba on 2009-09-15 ***
I was working downtown three blocks from the WTC during 9/11. I had seen and chatted with Yudh three weeks or so before on the Path train. He was a good man and is missed by all who knew him. Wishing Yudh’s family and friends well.
A co-worker from ABB Simcon
*** Posted by Stephen Zucknovich on 2009-09-15
9/11- Every year on this date, we cut a rose from our garden, took it from our neighborhood park and place it on a small plaque that memorizes 9/11. This flowers is for you Yudh. We just returned from this trip. Someone else had already placed a small flower in a nutrient tube on the plaque. David kwoh
Days are crawling on by
My wait still goes on
The world that used to reach me
Is nothing but silent
It makes me feel nothing happened
The numbing feeling again and again
Covers me and suffocates me like blanket
Sometimes it seems your smiling face and
Pure laugh and gentle touch
Left my world; all my hope disappears
Into the dark night.
Millions of tears are exploding my soul
At first you were missing
Now I have been missing
In trying to find you and myself
I sit down on couch and
Wait for door to open
I look out the window to
Hear the car stop
Wait for the phone to ring
But this quietness and darkness
Is not letting me have any peace.
Dad, I’m here in London. I’ve had many chats with Mom these past few months.
It’s quite strange I suppose. I came here for a Masters and I’ve learned so much, but not just through my course, but about family, people and relationships.
For a long time, I just didn’t understand us. You know, Mom, Sis, You and Me. Even when you were here. It still doesn’t make sense, but I suppose I have a sense of respect, recognition and an odd sense of pride about it all. I’ve learned so much about you and Mom and India before and during my existence. And it just enriches me as a human being. I know I’m still flawed, but I find it ever so moving that I can still learn so much about you even though you’re not here and I can love you even more than before.
Things are not perfect here, but you know I’m still trying to find the good from what happened that day. I’m learning to be a better daughter I think. I’m learning to be a better person, maybe. I’m recognizing the parts of you and the parts of Mom, the Indian and the American bits of myself. Maybe I’m a little more patient. And this year has been so hard, with Mom being sick and just everything, but we’re managing it. Yet, it didn’t surprise me. We’ve grown so much as a family.
I don’t know what things would be like if you were still here, but I guess I just wish you could see us. Who we’ve become, how we are a family. We still fight like crazy, I don’t think that will change, but we’ve just grown so much. And I just think you’d really have love to have seen it.
Besides, I’d love to have a chat with you about my course. You’d find it really interesting I think.
Love you Dad. Miss you.
It’s me again. I know last time I was here, I was able to write this long, long post.
Dad, things for the most part are good. I mean I was in a slump after I lost my job, but as I knew I would, I got out of it. I’m in graduate school here in London. And it’s pretty cool. I’m not sure if the curriculum is quite my style, but I am learning a lot and I’ll have a great degree at the end of everything, if all turns out well.
It’s just that I don’t know what to do Dad. You know, I mean when things happened with you, you had literally dropped me off at RIT and Sis was in Mexico. And now, Mom’s sick. Sis is in Africa. I just left for school. I am so scared. I feel like things are repeating themselves.
I know Mom has not been in the best health, but like this is serious. I don’t know what to do Dad. I’m so scared something will happen to her. And how much can I do from here? And she’s all alone. I miss you so much, because if you were here, I know you’d be taking care of her. There’s no one with her and I am so upset. No one knows what’s wrong, she some stuff wrong with her head.
I am trying to stay positive and not be upset or freak out. But it sort of feels like everything is happening again. The waiting, the not knowing, sis being away, this being unexpected, me starting school again. I’m really trying not to stress, but I know in the back of my head it’s affecting me. And I can’t be sure mom won’t lie to me about how serious things are. I know her and if it is truly serious, she won’t tell me. She even told sis not to tell me the first time. I’ve been calling her doctors and it’s so hard to get through to them.
Don’t worry, I am still enjoying things around here and I’m getting all of my work done, but whenever I have a chance to think about it, I get a little upset. And I know mom is so lonely. I can barely get through to Sis in Africa. Part of me thinks I should leave here and go back and be with Mom. I mean Dad, I don’t think I’ll make it if something happens to Mom. I mean you’re not here now, what will we do without her? I can barely think about it. I’m sure Sis will say I’m being dramatic or something, but she (Mom) just isn’t getting better and I feel like anything could happen. I actually don’t understand how Sis is so calm and cool about it. And when I talk to Mom, she sounds so miserable and like she’s in such pain. When she almost cries, it hurts so much that I have to end our conversation fast because I can’t bare to hear her like that.
On a side note, I wish we had a different picture of you up here, I like the one with you in the white coat better. It’s a warmer photo of you.
Anyways, I’m trying not to let this stuff affect me. And then there’s all that stuff in the news about the trials of those people. I don’t want to upset you, but Dad, I know you. You wouldn’t wish them death, you don’t have it in you. I can’t believe that they will have the trial in NYC. And I don’t know how I feel. I want to answer to what they have done. I want to see the people who helped take you away. But Dad, I promise not to hate them, because to hate them means to give ideology that led them to do what they did. They are not worth it and I just want them to answer to what they have done.
I miss you a lot. You would really like all the stuff I am learning about. It’s all about combining business, multidisciplinary studies and design thinking. It’s a pretty cool concept. I can’t believe we are almost done with our first term.
Anyways, it makes me better when I talk to you here. I can just write a long bunch of gibberish and it doesn’t matter because I’m talking to you. I do hope Mom doesn’t read this, because then I will get a phone call telling me not to stress out. Also, it’s not web searchable, which I appreciate and I feel you would too. It’s been a little weird when you do a google search of my name because all of these 9/11 tributes come up. And they are rather personal, you know? It’s good to have some privacy in this regard and I really wish the other sites had some privacy options. At least that the content didn’t show in the google search with my name. It would be one thing if they looked strictly for you. It’s not that I’m embarassed, I just think it might affect me personally and professionally, you know.
Anyways, I better go start my day here in London. It’s 5 hours ahead of NYC, so everyone is asleep there.
You also weren’t here for my 26th birthday two weeks ago. I thought about you a lot. I was a bit sad that Sunday, so I kept to myself like I have for the past few years. Can you believe I am 26 now? Last time you saw me was when I was 17! I wonder if I would look very different to you now? I’ll be 30 soon, isn’t that nuts. I have white hair too, you’d call me your old, dear, darling daughter. Sis is almost 32!
You know we went to the memorial and Sis is unusually pretty regular. She doesn’t get upset or cry. But we went to the memorial concert and I remember the singer had one lyric that went: “Tuesday came and went, went one September, when will she come again? The thing about memories is that they’re sure and bound to fade. Except for the stolen souls left on her blade. Is Monday coming back?” And I never have seen Sis cry so hard. She just all of a sudden started crying so badly and I had to get her a tissue. I know she misses you a lot too Dad. She gets teary sometimes. I see it in her eyes.
I miss you Dad. I really wish you were here.
In a several months it will be ten years since you’ve been gone. And guess what? Sis is getting married. She got engaged just a couple of months ago. Her fiance is a wonderful person. We’re all so happy for them. I keep thinking about that pagadi I bought you. Who knew that when I bought it for you in August ten years ago, that almost exactly ten years later, we’d have the occasion for you to wear it at.
We love you and miss you. We wish you could be here for the wedding. But I know you’ll be there in spirit.
I love you Dad. I have been missing you a lot lately. Mom is still so sick. She just seems like something that’s broken that you keep trying to quickly fix. But what happens when she just breaks. I’m really scared of that.
Anyhow, Dad, please send good energy for Sis’s wedding. Andrew is a good man and he treats me like his own sister. I can tell each time I see him that he really cares about me, Mom and Sis. I think you guys would get along.
Christmas is coming soon. I will miss you then. Each time I look at the Christmas tree, I remember my times during Christmas with you.
Ok, I better get back to work now.
Cheena (December 16, 2010)
11 year passed by, does not get easier.
it is tuesday, same bright sunny morning like 11 year ago you left home. same 74 digree temp, but for us nothing is same.
I don’t post on here very often any more. I’m not sure why. I’ve been in therapy since January and on medicine for a bit now. Maybe it helps. I hope it does. This pain and sadness that sort of lives inside of me is kind of debilitating at times. I often don’t know what to do with it. It’s not just how you left us. It’s that unknown. I’m not sure if I can explain it to you.
I am who I am, but I don’t know myself. There’s so much confusion. There’s a lack of reality. I’m only beginning or chipping the surface. And everything feels so intense.
What brings this on? Aside from my progress in therapy and understanding the tumult of life or sometimes lack of safety or altered sense of reality and boundaries, I just don’t often know what to expect or know what’s right or real sometimes.
And then there’s you. And you’re not here. And it still like many things I’m trying to decipher in my life, just does not make sense. The gears in my head, still have trouble processing it.
And then there are small little things, like cleaning the closet with Mom and Sis. We found a box of your maps and brochures. We decided to keep it because it was yours. I due to bad judgement, decided to go through it. First brochure at the top was of a blue sky and some buildings with some white type and years. I open it up. It read “The closest thing you’ll ever get to heaven. The World Trade Center” with a picture of the Twin Towers. I weeped. Sis and Mom were still cleaning and didn’t notice, but I felt paralyzed. It again felt like life was poking an open would. Why was that at the top? Why is life cruel? Is this all a nasty setup? And then there were Sis’s Mexico photos that she had taken to get back into the country. They fell right out of the closet. Like your death certificate being signed on your birthday. My Indian mom getting a disease that 1 in 30,000 caucasian women get. My dad, you, going to work and never coming back. Realizing that people aren’t as perfect as you thought they were after they are gone.
Somethings just aren’t right. And there’s never a rationale. And it’s very hard for me to accept.
Aw Dad. I just keep thinking, what’s the next thing that’s going to happen. But I do know understand how people lose loved ones and fail and spiral out of control. I’ve seen that path very clearly now. It scares me. And I’m trying very hard to keep away from it.
I still love you.
YUDH it us going to be 20 year on this 9/11 but the fragrance you left ,still so fresh , feel you never left
You are missed, on this 9/11/ 2021 thing of you , stay blessed and in peace where ever you are
The moon without your magic is nothing. The sun without your presence doesn’t heat me up … That’s how literal my life is without you …
Your tender heart used to spreading love where no one can see
We are a sea of emotions that only very few are able to truly read.
That feeling of ‘music on the skin’, every time you go through me with endless and delicious memories.
Your trembling lips try to sing unsung song
How weak we are when we love someone so much.
There is a bit of us inside our favorite book, a song that we always hum, a poem that we reread with shining eyes. Art makes us partakers of lives that we had forgotten or that we would have liked to live.
You are the love story that I have never written, but you are hidden in the pages of my heart
Your deep dark eyes filled with water remind me deep sea
Your clean aching heart gives goose bumps to flowers
Your arrogance bring sharp waves
Where no one can see your aching heart
On this 20th anniversary 2021 my heart still ache same way memories are so raw and fresh
Miss you dearly
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